Just Think Happy Thoughts
by The Trickiest One
Summary: Lloyd wanted to scream, to cause a scene, to make people question his sanity because Lloyd had none. It was cold outside but Lloyd felt his palms become sweaty, anxiety became his second nature, but he was good at hiding it. Lloyd lied, he kept secrets, he forgot which ones were secrets he had to keep, and which ones were lies he's told.


**Oof, I've made a vent fic using my favorite victim, Lloyd Garmadon**

 **TW: Self-hate and bad things, lots of them. Be mindful, kiddos.**

* * *

 _"Just think happy thoughts,"_ Had to be the worst advice he's ever been given. So was:

 _"Just stop being so negative,"_

And

 _"Crying doesn't get you anywhere,"_

See also:

 _"You're too sensitive, toughen up!"_

Completed with:

 _"If you bottle up all your feelings, one day, you'll burst,"_

In which he responded with:

 _"Okay,"_

And even that time today, Lloyd had an old couple almost run him over with a car and said:

 _"He's always on that phone, he doesn't pay attention to anyone, self-centered freak,"_

Lloyd was good at pretending that he didn't even care, and in truth, he'd completely forgotten what it was like to care at all, it has become disregarded. He told himself to often think "Happy Thoughts", and "Forget the pain, pretend that it didn't happen"

He's a good liar and he's good at forgetting too:

 _"Hey, are you feeling okay? You've been hanging around here all alone for the past half-hour." Nya asked him after practice on a Saturday morning. Lloyd sighed, his personal space was being invaded._

 _"Yeah, I'm fine." He lied, just as he always did. "You know me and how I like to think in my own little world."_

 _"Sure, you just look so melancholy," Nya argued. "And if anything, I want to be there to help you, we all do."_

 _"Thanks, I'll tell you if anything comes up, promise." Lloyd flashed her a smile. Nya pet his back and turned away. When she was gone, Lloyd knitted his eyebrows together and continued to slip away from reality for a few minutes. He's been doing that a lot lately._

That one time where he forgot to do something:

 _Lloyd hated having to do things all at one time, he couldn't really remember what he had just been told anymore (though he did have great memory once). He liked his tasks to be written for him than being told out loud, Lloyd was bound to forget something. It frustrated him to no end._

 _Now, he's being told to put away something._

 _"Remember, Lloyd, the boxes with your name on it go in the back near my boba tea. Then, I want you to dust off the shelves on the left over there," Wu gestured to a shelf that contained a weapon Lloyd had seen before many times. "The floor needs to be swept, and-"_

 _By then, Lloyd completely lost track of what was being told to him._

 _Why did he volunteer to clean out the Bounty while his uncle went running a few errands again?_

 _As far as he remembered, the desk needed to be dusted, some random box had to be put somewhere, and floor needed to be swept, and that was it. Lloyd wanted Wu to repeat everything again, but not wanting to annoy him, Lloyd never said anything. That was a mistake._

 _He started at Wu's desk, which was always clean, and began to dust the one thing that did not need to be dusted when his phone buzzed repeatedly. Lloyd stopped doing whatever he was doing and answered the call._

 _"Hey, Kai-" Lloyd didn't even get to finish his sentence when his best friend interrupted him._

 _"Lloyd! Where are you! You said you had to tell me something at the park yesterday, I've been here for an hour!" Kai sounded more confused than angry, Lloyd was grateful for that._

 _"I don't remember saying that?" Lloyd tried to justify himself, he was telling the truth, now he was more disoriented than to ask where Wu keeps his broom._

 _"I know you don't, Lloyd. You're doing it again," Kai chided him. "Is everything alright, bro?"_

 _"I'm sorry, I just can't think straight anymore." Lloyd apologized. "And um, I'm at the Bounty, I volunteered to clean the ship, and I completely forgot why."_

 _"Here, you're breaking up, I'll be there in half an hour, call you back soon." Kai finished the call before Lloyd could vent to him._

 _"Okay, so sweep the floor, put something on a shelf, and uh," Lloyd searched for something that he was missing again. "Kai will be here in half an hour."_

 _In the middle of sweeping, Lloyd stopped and went to mopping just because it "felt right". He recalled it as being one of the things Wu said. Then he started to stock one shelf full of his things from the box. None of it made sense but Lloyd was happy to help. Then he was done._

 _The Bounty was a mess. Maybe Wu intended him to do it this way. Or maybe Lloyd just-_

 _"This is interesting," Wu's presence startled Lloyd out of his daydream. "Nephew, this is not what I asked of you."_

 _"I know! And I'm sorry! It's not my fault that I can't remember the simple things!" Lloyd shouted a little too loud. Covering his mouth, Lloyd looked down. "I don't know why I yelled at you, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," He regretted, warmth from a hand on his back stung a little, it must've been Kai to comfort him. "I'm so stupid,"_

 _Both Kai and Wu shared confused yet concerned looks, Lloyd walked past them to leave._

 _He stopped to say something but shook his head, he'd already forgotten what he was going to say._

 _"I'll remember later," Lloyd told himself._

 _He never did._

 _Lloyd did his research, he was convinced that he had some other personality that made him lash out on people and forget easily. He hoped that wasn't the case. Nothing came up._

 _He has to think happy thoughts._

* * *

"Hey, mom? Can I get a therapist?" Lloyd said jokingly, he never expected his mother to take him seriously. Koko looked at him from her front car mirror, Lloyd was sitting in the back on his phone.

"Sure, if you want to," Koko answered. Lloyd choked on his milkshake. "We can do some research if you'd like."

"Mom," Lloyd coughed. "I was just joking, don't worry about me!"

"Lloyd, sweetheart, the way you phrased that makes it harder to not worry about you,"

"I'm sorry, I've just been thinking a lot."

"About what?" Koko stopped a red light and turned around.

Lloyd glanced away guiltily.

"If I told you, you'd probably be afraid of me, I don't want that."

Koko hummed in bemusement.

When they had got home from the grocery store, Lloyd set his milkshake on his dresser and proceeded to lay down his bed, his phone in his hand. First, he went to help his mother, then he went to wallow in his pitiful sorrow. It had to be one of the only things he was good at.

 _At the store, Lloyd wandered off and found the kitchenware items._

 _"I like knives," Lloyd deadpanned causally, not meaning to say it out loud. He did plan to have a collection in the near future, that is, if he ever lived long enough to have one. The woman next to him scoffed._

 _"So, does the son of Lord Garmadon have murderous intentions as well?" She asked him in a snooty tone. Lloyd dropped the kitchen knife in his hand in surprise._

 _"No! It's not what you think, I swear!" Lloyd put his hands up, then he bent down to pick up the knife that has slid out of its case._

 _"He's trying to kill me!" The woman let herself fall to the floor and gave him a sneaky grin. "Lloyd Garmadon is trying to kill me!"_

 _In a second or less, there was a crowd surrounding the woman, who pretended to be hurt, and Lloyd, the 'culprit'. And to think all he did was drop a knife._

 _"He confessed that he loves knives," Emphasis on the word "loves". "He tried to stab me! He pushed me down!"_

 _Talk about dramatic too._

 _Lloyd was all too perplexed about the situation, he forgot what he was doing before this happened._

 _"That's it, kid," The manager grabbed his arms from behind, making Lloyd flinch from the sudden contact._

 _"Don't touch me!" Lloyd yelled. The blade of the knife flipped out of his hand and he caught it, the blade dug into his fingers. Lloyd had a thing for sudden contact or things that he can't see on firsthand, he hated it, his friends and his uncle Wu knew that. His mother was the only exception he'd accept. They both lived together after all._

 _"Freak," The manager laughed, the grips on Lloyd's arms sent several shivers up his spine, they were so cold._

 _Lloyd had two options, use his ninja skills, or just face his inevitable death. Death was nice. Lloyd often welcomed him with open arms._

 _So he stayed put until Koko broke down the walls of customers to bail him out (and wrap his cut fingers)._

Something. in his room fell and Lloyd let out a scream, loud noises scared him too. Jeez, he sensitive to almost everything. It didn't apply to him being a ninja, his hood was specially made to cancel out the strong noise. Lloyd could only bear so much.

"I should've killed her when I had the chance," Lloyd mumbled to himself and rubbed his face. "No, that'd be horrible."

Reaching over his dresser, Lloyd looked at the note he wrote to himself:

 _"Don't forget, Social Studies project due on Monday!"_

Today was Sunday, Lloyd never got started on it. Now he was a procrastinator! Why couldn't he just remember the things people told him to do!? Stupid, stupid, stupid!

No, he had to think happy thoughts.

He'll do better next time.

* * *

After hitting his head on the back of the wall repeatedly, Lloyd rejected his dizzy spell. He couldn't seem to fall asleep as he used to anymore, it was either, sleep for two hours and wake up or wake up super early in the morning and spend the rest on your phone because you can't sleep properly, there was no in between. Maybe it was secretly Insomnia.

Lloyd scrolled through his phone to look at the messages people post about him on his social media account. Hateful messages made him laugh, Lloyd had gotten so used to seeing them, that they don't even faze him anymore. Lloyd escaped reality to leave them at the back of his mind, he waited for them to come at the best of times to ruin his life once again. Lloyd really hated himself, nobody but him knew that.

The procrastinator doesn't deserve to sleep.

It was 4:30 in the morning and Lloyd wanted to pass out from exhaustion. Seeing that he wasn't going to fall asleep himself, Lloyd created a story.

A different Ninjago.

One where he was a kid again, and he wanted to be like his father, but surprise, a twist in fate and he's a teenager who has to make up for everyone's mistakes. Destiny hated him, it treated him like he was a pawn in its game of Chess. So far, Lloyd was losing.

But, he had to think happy thoughts.

Lloyd could only come up with one.

* * *

6:30 in the morning and Lloyd hated looking at himself in the mirror. He was so ugly. Bright green eyes, shoulder-length blonde hair, a slight of a chub in the stomach, Lloyd wasn't exactly attractive in his standards.

On his way to school, people snickered behind his back. Lloyd forgot where he put his hoodie right when he put it down. So he wore a shirt, a graphic tee with the words: The Golden Child and a golden dragon on it. He liked it.

Lloyd wore band-aids on his arms, colorful ones at that.

Lloyd gave them a small smile.

 _Just think happy thoughts._

 _Just think happy thoughts._

 _Just think happy thoughts._

 _Just think happy thoughts._

No, he couldn't.

Lloyd wanted to scream, to cause a scene, to make people question his sanity because Lloyd had none. It was cold outside but Lloyd felt his palms become sweaty, anxiety became his second nature, but he was good at hiding it. Lloyd lied, he kept secrets, he forgot which ones were secrets he had to keep, and which ones were lies he's told.

Ha, what even is reality anymore?

 _Just think happy thoughts._

Who gave him that advice anyway?

It almost didn't help.

* * *

9:30, fourth period, Social Studies. Lloyd ran fingers through his hair, looking blameworthy, knowing what he forgot this morning. The son of Garmadon meant to stay up late to finish his project, he only made it through 10 at night. Pathetic. Lloyd stifled a scream.

 _Just think happy thoughts._

"You forgot your work again, Mr. Garmadon?" The teacher smiled grimly at him. Lloyd gave a silent answer, resorting to run his hands on his bandaged arms. There was something wrong with him, and he didn't even know. "As expected."

He should've taken his own advice and seen a therapist. No, it wouldn't work. Why would someone want to help him when he couldn't even help himself? Stupid.

 _Just think happy thoughts._

The class erupted with laughter, having no sympathy for their fellow peer. Lloyd didn't have anyone he knew (ex: Jay, Kai, Cole, Nya, and Zane), so he was left alone to his own devices. Lloyd let it happen.

 **Hate, hate, hate, hate.** Lloyd **HATED** them, he **HATED** himself, he **HATED** those stupid happy thoughts.

 _Just think violent thoughts._

"I'm sorry," Lloyd confessed, recognizing that his own voice was straining on edge.

 _Just think violent thoughts._

"You have every right to be sorry, Mr. Garmadon. You're a failure in my class." The teacher had the _nerve_ to tell the truth in front of everyone. "I will be telling the principal about this unacceptable behavior-"

"No! Shut up!" Lloyd could feel his heart beat heavily. "I'm a failure, I know! I'm a freak who sucks at remembering literally everything! Stop telling me things that I already know!"

 _Just think violent thoughts._

Words and pictures flooded his mind like a dam releasing water. Violent, bloody, and he was laughing. He could've sworn that the light above him flickered.

 _Just think violent thoughts._

Lloyd covered his ears and shook his head to make them go away. They didn't. They never leave him alone.

 _Just think violent thoughts._

A cold hand touched his arm, Lloyd grabbed it and turned around.

"Don't touch me!"

More hands.

 _Just think violent thoughts._

"Stop it!"

Someone was shaking him, voices filled his mind with bad things.

Lloyd screamed.

 _Just think violent thoughts._

Something broke.

* * *

Lloyd woke up in the hospital, wrapped in bandages, tied to the bed he was lying on, having no memory of his outburst that stained his clothes red.

Doctors told him that he'd been bottling up his hatred and pain and it consumed him enough that he blacked out with rage, which is why he didn't remember anything.

They called him a monster.

Lloyd only remembered the happy thoughts.

That was his own advice.


End file.
